Talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking, riding, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking, dreaming. This is the way that we, way that we live.
My partner and I broke up 12 days ago. It was really rough; an explosion of emotion and resentment that had been building up for some time now. I didn’t sleep or eat much. I started formulating a 1 month, 1 year, 10 year plan for how we can fall in love again. We got back together 9 days ago. How I love being a lesbian!
The break-up was short, but excruciating. It forced me to confront my fear of being alone and all the things that happened that resulted in the breaking point. There was a growing need for self-preservation and independence inside the both of us! We had to snap out of the co-dependent haze, and the only way that that was possible for us is to believe for a moment that it was truly over. In the 3 days of being separated, we danced at a club (apart, kind of), exchanged letters, went on walks, and had lengthy conversations in between the long hours of processing alone. It felt like a lifetime. The yearning reminded me how naturally loving her came to me. It also gave me a lot of time to figure out what I want to do with myself. When did I stray so far from my personal goals?
Overall, June was an intense month of reflection and balancing. I took a break from being high all the time, I’m going to therapy every week, and I’m working out a lot of the trauma stored inside of myself… the month ended with a 3-day beach road-trip along the Washington and Oregon coast with my good friend. Sitting in the sand, I was talking to him about my aspirations for the summer:
- Shorter BOB, new TATTOOS
- Write more on Pajolo Cam – poetry, blogs, essays
- Listen to more music so I would have more to talk about with other people
- Reorganize my room!!! Find better storage solutions
- Explore the city with my cameras
- Go to dancing classes
- Become fluent in Tagalog
- Save up a lot of money for when I eventually move out of my parent’s house again
- Seriously start working on an album… I need to take more guitar classes when I have the money… I need to learn how to use my drum machine…
- Get a pack of Prismacolor colored pencils hehe
Pajolo Cam 
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