Pajolo Cam

i guess i feel bad for loving her more than i loved you

but when i remember loving you

it was favors, begging, going out in silence

and you screwing up again

your company fulfilled me and we had good conversation

though it diminishes in this bliss i feel with her

…

i mistook obsession with falling

blowing up your phone and endless calling

i loved you violently

you spurred a silent fight in me

the shame i carried, i shared with you

you accepted, but it impaired with you

grateful you listened, but it blistered me blue

and i resented when you spoke of me

…

it’s embarrassing looking back

this maddening hope i stacked up

in myself, annulled the things you lacked

i searched through every crevice and crack

to prove the cobbled fact

that you were the love of my life!

…

and i’m not innocent

anyone who gave more attention, i indulged

i should’ve ended it at the dulling point

but i didn’t! then, i thought this was real

i know now that someone who listens is the bare minimum

and you didn’t do that a lot of the time!

…

remember your 22nd birthday, the trip i planned?

you weren’t feeling good, i tried to understand

you were shutting down, instead of talking about it

you fucked my face, a recurring habit

we both had when shit got rough

but it sucked, i ached, i thought my care was enough

i needed you to communicate

we grew together, right? why can’t you say

what’s wrong, what’s up? i hate guessing games

you should know me better

five years together

i was feeling tethered

to someone i love

someone who’s weathered these storms with me

i’m brewing, angry

you’re stuck in your head

i want to solve it with you

you’d rather self-deprecate instead

saying everything’s wrong with you, it’s selfish in a way

i was unraveling, battling if i should stay everyday

i was harsh, it felt it was all i could be

when i said what i needed from you repeatedly

the only way you could make it up to me

is if you just let me know what you were feeling

but you can’t, it sucks

before we would fuck, make-up, be done with it all

i’m with someone i love now

and i realized how dysfunctional

this relationship was

…

i can’t help you anymore

you just add to the festering anxieties in my core

i’d rather you a meddling memory to digest

and to finally put all these sore feelings to rest