You go on a walk
…
The world a grave on your shoulders
The pressure against your feet
The concrete beneath you
You finally understand the gravity.
Thinking
…
She told you a story of the man swimming in the Puget Sound, intending to stay
They found his body a few days later
You think it’s inspiring
And you think of your old friend
He said he thought suicide was selfish
You think about him still
And you’re still thinking about it
…
You’ve talked about the end with her a lot
It would be over something significant and uncompromising
Maybe it’s finally here
The residue of this argument left you
Wrangling in the web
It’s the first time you promised to bear living
…
You talk and talk and talk and reach the resolution, the concrete beneath you
The confetti of grime splattered on your body
These nights that she won’t let slip through the cracks of your rumination
And the gravity pulling down on her eyes
Maybe it’s finally here
You said that she’s the best you’ve ever had
But you’re still thinking about it
…
Somebody asks you what your spider tattoo means
And you think of your old friend
How he collected spiders in the corner of his bedroom; watched as they spent days eating each other
You thought it inspiring
You made it a permanent memory
And it became a reminder of your tendency to stray
…
It’s different, you’re different now
You etch promises into someone who wholeheartedly believes you instead of into your skin
It’s different
You feel the pressure on your feet
But you’re still thinking about it
…
Last night
The truth whisks the web away
And you see your home disintegrating
It was killing you, but what she said was pertinent
You feel dead anyway
You think of the man
What you imagine is that you’ll be cast in ice immediately
…
It’s all becoming increasingly unbearable
Surges of happy, surges of freedom
Exploding into a vastness
It’s all becoming increasingly floating
Suspended in the mass
…
Cast in ice immediately
But it doesn’t work that way
The day you fall in, when you accept the fate
Thrashing. Pulling you down
There’s enough time to learn the feeling
Of suffocating and how it kills
…
Looming inside, suffocating
Throughout, throughout, throughout
So until the last moment
When you fall inside
You’ll be grateful that you know how to die
…
You go home
Pajolo Cam 
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