Again! I lost my wallet again! The fifteenth time this year, Vera says. I worried and fretted all the way to the cafe. Worried and ruminated as I tend to do and she soothed my anxieties, said it’s probably behind something we wouldn’t think to look. We didn’t have time to do a thorough search before we left. I felt reassured, though I still worry about it.
It’s silly. Every time this happens, I get frantically stuck thinking about where I had it last. It usually ends up being at home in strange places. There’d only been one time where I had to get all my cards replaced. Vera knows exactly what to say to calm me, she knows me well.
I’m still getting to know a love as tender as hers. Yesterday, I went through the behemoth task of going through my journals for the purpose of extracting all of my poems then compiling them into novlr.org. I trudged through the written despair of being in my previous relationship, parsing through my delusional optimism of my past journal entries. I was with my ex for almost six years. By the fourth year, my heart was straying and my resentment was steadily growing.
Movies are not Real Life
My claws sharpened handling your abrasiveness
Lack of romanticism left me grave, insisting
You just remember to love better
I wonder what action of mine rendered this repercussion
I pore over my character, I curse my quick anger
I feel selfish and terrible; I want to love better
I’m aware, but too small to weather the storm
I form new plans, still I tether to what’s worn
What shows a movie, the screen or projector?
I picture things clear, you have only conjectures
We’re on different pages, both poorly written
Or is this script just my imagination?
So am I the projector; director of ideals?
Are you the screen displaying my film reels?
I feel detached, I don’t know what is real
There is no villain. Just miscommunication.
Over again, just miscommunication
Over again, I return to a question:
Am I ungrateful or do I deserve more?
In my shattered core, I know I'm not yours
I am pouring out, I am growing empty
I know your love and I know it cannot seal me.
I felt that my only option was to stay. To play in this isolated and stagnant water. I was constantly dissociated, dreaming of sweeter moments and wondering where I can get it. I didn’t have the strength to stand up and look for it; at this point of my life, I’d spent most of my time working with what I had. What is there to do with a partner who is emotionally closed off? It’s like trying to pin papers on a brick wall. Eventually, you throw knives out of desperation and they fly haphazardly back to you.
The other day, I watched Poor Things for the first time. Overall, I really enjoyed it (though not without some critiques)! Stunning visuals of quite a fantastical world… I was first put off by the narrative of a woman with an infant’s brain exploring her sexuality, but throughout my watch, I found it to be a compelling way of addressing pedophilia in our society. I enjoy that the main character, Bella Baxter, is such a strong advocate for her own autonomy. I admire her curiosity and need to satiate it, harboring the lessons learned from each of her experiences. I relate a lot to her sheltered upbringing and naivety, as well as her violent and “hysterical” tendencies.
As someone who’s suffered through childhood sexual abuse, this movie deeply resonated with me. As a child who was experiencing things a child shouldn’t have to, I enjoyed sex at times. My coping mechanism was hypersexuality, which is common for victims of sexual abuse. It was my way of taking control, even though I held a lot of shame about it. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be in these situations, but they were happening anyway. These confusing feelings manifested into my moody and reserved disposition growing up. When I felt rage, I expressed it in uncontrollably embarrassing and disgusting ways. It made me feel like a monster.
Even though Poor Things is not necessarily about sexual abuse, I appreciate that it’s a story about freedom, authentic expression, and most notably, the path of growth and expanding thought. My optimism and indulgence has always been my strongest tool in keeping myself sane, an attempt at staying grounded in a deeply conflicting world. As I got older, what helped me process what happened to me was my relationships with others, good or bad.
One of my favorite lines of dialogue from Poor Things occurs between Bella Baxter and Harry Astley, a described cynic that she meets on a cruise.
Poor Things (1:23:55):
Harry: “Why do you stay with him?”
Bella: “I always think it will be better.”
Harry: “‘Course you do.”
‘Him’ refers to Duncan Wedderburn, a man that Bella runs away from home with in the beginning of the movie; he brings (or rather, kidnaps) her to this cruise in order to keep her for himself under the guise of satisfying her explorer spirit. The short of it, Duncan is a narcissistic man who grew obsessed with the idea of trapping Bella in his control because she became unattainable to him.
Through this relationship, Bella learned that her will to preserve her values and prioritize her needs was more important than her desire to wait for a better outcome.
I eventually came to this realization myself in the summer of 2024, when I finally broke things off with my ex. The next day, she looked absolutely dejected. I pitied her, but not enough to get back together. The months following after the break-up, I pieced together the reasons why I stayed, what made me stay for as long as I did, and what I can do so this never happens again. It’s interesting how ancient wounds can be kept alive in different situations, such as a toxic relationship. Through these unfortunate times, the best I can do is find the silver lining; apply my newfound wisdom to my future endeavors.
I fell in love with Vera in the winter. Her pleasantly warm presence lit up my world deprived of reciprocated love. With her, I feel an emotional stability I haven’t gotten before. The version of me that she met was freshly forged from a great fire of change and reflection. I didn’t expect to find another person so soon; I was still cooling down, my past was still hot inside of me.
This has flared up in grand ways throughout our relationship as I was learning to trust again. We got through it by keeping our promises of growing together close to our hearts. Through Vera’s support, I was able to dissect these emotions inside of me and let go. They didn’t serve any purpose of mine, for they kept me stuck. If I desired a healthy and thriving love, then it was time for me to move on. Swim out of these stagnant waters that imprisoned me!
It’s easy for me to become stuck.
Each time I lost my wallet, I would constantly be thinking, thinking, thinking until I found it. Where could it be!? It’s happened enough times where it’s become formulaic: I discover my wallet’s missing, I panic, I look (and look and look), I (or someone else) finds it in a mundane spot, then I’m okay again. I can be pretty high-strung. My present emotions can become bigger than I am. I am getting a better hold of it. If I end up having to replace my cards again, so be it; there is an ocean of possibility, so who am I to try to keep fate contained? I let go. Laugh. I become enveloped in the joy and discomfort of seeing where life takes me.
Pajolo Cam 
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